How to avoid raising rude children

Some would say I am easy going when it comes to discipline. In my extended family i think the saying is, "spare the rod, spoil the child." I am a STRONG non-believer in not spanking. I am an even STRONGER believer in speaking to children in a way in which I would want to be spoken. This notion is definitely weird from my extended families perspective. Respect for children is unheard of or not necessary. "They" are of the mind set that the adult is in charge and to a great degree this is true even a necessary idea but balance is the road I am trying to follow. I am learning what this means albeit while struggling at times with a DS who while assert his will and power at every turn. I know he looks to DH and myself for guidance and limits. It can be so hard to stay positive and not just blurt out the old, "Because I said so." Daily it's two steps forward, two steps back.