Kujichagulia

Self-determination. I know I have that somewhere but sometimes by the end of the day I am totally unequivocally wiped out and have no determination to put myself in effect. My brain barely functions but I digress. I discovered after and an intensely emotional conversation with my husband that I need to let a lot guy. I have been my whole family has been a victim to my Montessori approach to parenting. The key problem is that I am still trying to figure out what it all means and not only how to apply it to my families life and the families of my school but also how well the theories fit in with our current times. I have been rigid in many areas and created a hard road parenting making it sometimes/often not fun. Always having to explain your style having people not understand you and eventually write you and your children off (well, that hasn't happened but I feel it coming). Actually, it almost happened with a great grandparent but I consider the less we see of her no great loss (terrible I know).

I don't know where I am going from here but I feel prepared (not really) to bend and possible break a few rules of my training just to have a feeling of ease in my/our home.

Happy Kwanzaa

This is IT. The year I start celebrating Kwanzaa with MY family. As a teacher I have taught and introduced the principles of Kwanzaa for years and have always hoped to incorporate it into my families traditions and now prayerfully is the time. It is a challenge with ds being sick. Dd also seems to be coming down with something as well (boo hoo). Umoja (unity) is the first principle although there are times when simply do not feel unified in my parenting. My dh and I seem to have this misunderstanding/miscommunication when it comes to (quite a few things) but screen time in particular. I am really trying to honor the idea of limiting (actually eliminating) screen time from a young child's life until they are at least 6 years old (no longer in the absorbent mind). I'd like to think this is done with thoughtful and good reasoning. I try to be flexible but for the most part am anti screen time. I really have gotten to the point where I am rarely on my computer when the children are awake. The cell phone is still a challenge but I am doing pretty well. Anyway I am dreading having to sit down and have yet another conversation about all this I am a broken record but his follow through leaves much to be desired.

My head is too tired to continue.

Christmas Day

It's been quite a busy, buzzy time around here leading up to Christmas. First, there's all the matters of business to conduct before I feel like I am truly on vacation, Second my husband became ill with a possible stomach flu, Third my ds is currently sick with what might have initially started out as an allergic reaction to Cedar. We had some intensely high winds the other day kicking up all kinds of dust and what not. Now here at the end of a lovely and quiet Christmas day (we cancelled all extended family visits yesterday when ds first started running a high fever). I think it worked out well. DS could be in his rhythm all day long, no expectations or disappointments, no pretense (from Mom and Dad as we try to smile through our sometimes annoyance with extended family members). Just enough tamales for mom and dad to enjoy an all day feast. A good supply of tea, honey and Ritz crackers to comfort a sick child. It was ironically probably one of the best days we've had in a long time as a family. It was just about a perfect Christmas Day.

Visiting family

My ds notoriously slow to warm up to people. So much so it pains me. I feel like I turn into this mom that has to suddenly make excuses for her sons behavior. I feel like I have to apologize to the relatives for his refusal to say hello or give kisses. I try to be patience but inside I just want him to play along and be a sport. I am and have always been (that I can remember) the good girl and of course I would feel like playing along with what others want is the right thing to do but suddenly this evening it dawned on me that I need to unconditionally be my sons advocate. Instead of joining in (as subtle as I think I am being) on the teasing and the demands for his doing what he clearly does not want to do. I am so not good at this and where has acquiesing to other people got me in life. Not very far. Yes, I am often viewed as a nice person but being nice isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Sometimes there is no power in being nice.

I wish I could take back tonight and allow ds to be in his own rhythm so much more than he did. Because of my own false expectations and people pleasing ways I began to push him to hug people he didn't want to hug, to give kisses that he didn't want to give and to be in pictures that he didn't want to be in. I felt like I needed to get him out of the stubborn/oppositional state he was being in. My intentions were not totally self-serving or based on relieving me of my annoyances I want him to feel comfortable and confident around anyone and everyone. How do I best achieve these goals. It hit me. By allowing him to be who he needs to be and standing by him as long as he is hurting no one. Does this make sense?

Play dates...the new village

This afternoon after I picked my son up from school we had a playdate with one of his dearest and oldest friends.

Dancing with my babies

Did I mention already I love dancing with my children?

Who's minding the kids

So a huge pet peeve of mine is going to child spaces and being around adults who ignore there children and just let them run wild with little or no supervision. Today I went to my ds' holiday party. No mind you he is not perfect and I am definitely not always the model parent but I try my best to be aware of where ds is and what he is doing.

So tired I can't even finish a thought

What are you made of...

It was one of those days that asked the question, "what are you made of,..." I run a small montessori school in my home with a 6 month old infant. By most standards it is challenging work but oh so rewarding and I have a wonderful assistant that allows me to feel some breathing room but today I would be tested, my unfortunate assistant had contracted a dreaded stomach bug from one of the children and would not be able to come. Since I was already one child short my numbers would be low, another absence would be reported and the decision confirmed that I could/should be able to manage the day by myself. What could 3 small toddlers and 1 infant do that I couldn't handle????

Thank goodness for grandparents

It's the not knowing that's the hardest...

I'm having a deja vu moment with my infant daughter. This was the time three years ago when I was feeling utterly overwhelmed by my son's expressiveness. What was causing his frustrations? How could I help him? What could I do to fix it? Is it hunger? Is it fatigue? Is it teething? There are so many unknowns in these early months. So many attempts to communicate on both ends to find meaning and understanding. It's hard. Baby girl is an amazing communicator and I usually feel that we are connecting but some times I'm at a loss and in those moments I feel like a parenting failure and worse a BAD mom.

Admittedly I am doing things differently this second time around. I have mustered a bit more confidence but my insecurities and my uncertainties definitely flair up more often then I'd like to admit.

One of the big things I am working on differently with baby girl is the whole sleep thing. There are a gazillion opinions out there when it comes to this issue. I am a firm believer in doing what feels right and most comfortable and compatible to your parenting style. I am working through this for myself I realized I have certain issues with crying that brought up so much unearthed baggage I have still not completely looked at. I am at least aware this time that I have these issues. I am trying desperately to let this lead me response to baby girls needs especially at sleeping times. She is teaching me and my husband has been an incredible supporter when I get stuck or feel compelled to give in to my quick fixes (that usually live me physically, mentally, emotionally drained) NOTE TO ALL MAMAS: it is never good for a mama to continually do things that leave her mentally, physically and emotionally drained this WILL affect the whole family. Both my lovelies are sleeping now. I am thankful for this reflection time.

"Knowing yourself is not so much about introspection and interaction. To know yourself is to realize that you are more than the little self that has been given to you by your history — the pattern that others made — that your true self is, in truth, much larger and includes other people, other cultures, other species even. That life is less about being and more about interbeing. We come to know ourselves, then, through coming to know each other. And the deeper that knowledge, the richer and more creative the world we build together."-Danny Martin. (note: I don't know who Danny Martin is but I love this quote).

Dancing with my babies

I love those days when everyone is gigging and happy. This rainy afternoon we had those moments. My 2 lovelies were simultaneously in cheerful moods enjoying our afternoon dance party. It's so wonderful to have 2 children that are so engaged by movement and music. the inspire yet again in this way.

Stuck

I think I sometimes get stuck in what I am doing/working on because my mind and body are always going in fast forward. I always feel on the verge of "something" like I can almost taste it or smell it, I'm so close to it.

As I've been aking me self to be more present this season of Advent something I am still so far from accomplishing I realize it is the lack of finding quiet space in my life to meditate that keeps me feeliing stuck. Advent allows us time to consider the significance of the greatest gift we receive as Christians. It is an opportunity for us to ask ourselves who we are, who we want to be and how we are expected to live our lives as a result of receiving the gift. Perhaps if I meditate I might clear out some of the cobwebs that keep my mind cycling through my unfinished list of to dos. I always have a lingering feeling of somethin uncompleted, never quite achieve a rested feeling. Who does? But anyway, I imagine it will serve me for the remainder of advent and perhaps beyond for me to take time to meditate and think about...

Going in Circles

Moment to moment

Some days I have to celebrate moment to moment. I can feel such overwhelming joy in my roles as parent and guide and then it all comes crashing down. As I was driving home from picking up my ds I had a the thought

What a day

There are moments in my parenting life when I think I shouldn't be parenting or teaching or anything that has to do with children. It's just so hard, so demanding and so energy draining and mind numbing. Ohh but I do love it.

My son is the type of child that makes me rethink parenting. Through my experiences raising him in these three short years I have mentally, physically and spiritually challenged in ways I did not imagine. Even as I write this I think to myself "shutup what are you whining about at least you have a healthy child so what's the complaint???

It begins here

Daily my mind is filled with visions of how I can best parent my two young children and lead a community of young children as a Montessori guide. Some days my thoughts are so cloudy, I don't know where or when to begin but today is the day. I lay my thoughts on cyber paper and give my mind some relief. Perhaps there will be others out there to join in the exchange with me. I look forward to the company on this most baffling and fulfilling journey.

Tesser on!